Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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