This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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