After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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