just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
