I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
