Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
