I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
