come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
