why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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