youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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