I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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