I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
