my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
