My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
