cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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