Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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