I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
