I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
