After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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