My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
