Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
