It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize