well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
