I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
