Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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