grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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