I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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