I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
