I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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