life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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