My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
