Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
