i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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