did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize