Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
