dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
