Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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