I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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