did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
