im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
