Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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