My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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