I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
