singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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