remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
