Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
