take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
