You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
