All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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