My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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