I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
