My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
