I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
