He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
