You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I don't deserve a penis
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
