i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
