pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
