Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
