I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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