She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
